Tanks for your help Mr Magpie Sir

A Measured and Proportionate Response 

 

Spotted on The Village Green yesterday 

 

 Taking aim at the magpies

Residents are advised not to be alarmed by the armoured vehicle currently deployed near the Village Green.

The Parish Council wishes to stress that this is a measured and proportionate response to recent developments in the village’s magpie situation. (Under Item 14(c) of the Parish Constitution, military action may only be authorised in the event of invasion, insurrection, or "a feeling that something really really ought to be done.)"

Concerns first arose when Mr Humphrey Bellweather presented a paper entitled Corvid Numerology: Historical Lessons and Future Preparedness, in which he argued that the traditional rhyme should properly be viewed as “an escalating framework for avian risk assessment.”

While most members initially dismissed his findings, matters changed considerably after thirteen magpies were observed gathering in the trees near the village green.

Mr Bellweather (who is bird phobic after watching some Alfred Hitchcock film) immediately declared a Level 11B Incident. His brother is a former retired colonel of the 14th Foot and Mouth (reserves) who assured the meeting that it was nothing to do with the French. The significance of the letter B remains disputed and Mr and Mrs Nugget believe it stands for “Bird.” Mr Percival Trotter insists it means “Brace Position” and Jimmy Nobbs maintains it refers to “Baked Magpies (as in pie filling)”

Conclusion

An emergency Parish Council meeting was called and it was decided that residents encountering a lone magpie should salute respectfully and enquire after the health of its wife.

Should thirteen or more magpies be present, residents are advised to proceed directly to the pub and await further instructions.

After much discussion responsibilities have since been allocated as follows:

Mother Marjoram Herbaceous Countermeasures and General Reassurance.

Jimmy Nobbs Public Relations and Emergency Curry Provision.

Miss Daffodil Pruett Monitoring Corvid Morale and Seasonal Intentions.

Mr Humphrey Bellweather Threat Modelling and Maps with Arrows on Them.

Mr Percival Trotter Equipment Procurement and Operational Enthusiasm.

Mr and Mrs Nugget Bird Counting, and while were at it, Badger Exemptions and Speculation.

Mr Planter Agricultural Liaison and Crop Security. He’s leaning on the gate having a think

Mrs Agnes Root Defensive Root Vegetable Planning.

Ms Brunhilda Barfoote Strategic Oversight and occasionally asking everyone whether they have quite lost their minds.

Jason Barrier Operations and Cheese Sandwich Logistics.

The motion passed unanimously, with one abstention from Ms Barfoote, who described the entire affair as “deeply silly but unusually well organised.”